Ensign's Log: The Enemy Looks Funny

 Grant Mulitz

Grant Mulitz

Star Date 43349.2

An unidentified distress signal has led to the discovery of a crashed Romulan vessel on the surface of Galorndon Core, a federation planet. We have recovered one survivor, but Lieutenant Commander LaForge did not report back with the away team, and is still missing. Finally, some extra free time while the boss is away.

I’m sure he’s fine. He’s probably got, like, laser-eyes in his visor. Like Cyclops, from the 400th X-Men movie.

I snuck into sick bay to check out the Romulan crash victim. I’ve never seen a Romulan up close before, but they just look like angry Vulcans. I mean, if Vulcans got angry. What a rip off. It seems like the only thing interesting about aliens is they all have weird foreheads. Given that, I’m surprised Picard is even human.

Was that last part racist? Probably. Well, while I'm at it, Klingons are criminals and Vulcans can't jump. They aren't stereotypes if they're true.

Meanwhile Wesley Crusher fashioned a neutrino probe to help LaForge in the time it took me to get to sick bay and back. Goody two-shoes. What a kiss-ass. I’m sure I could make a neutrino probe in under half an hour if my mom were a doctor. Guess not all of us can be entitled little shits.

Wait, we’re on red alert now! I think that’s a Romulan ship out my window! Wow, in federation space too! That means war, right? Finally I might see some action out here.

And shields just went down. What gives? They’re flying back into the neutral zone?? Were they just saying “hi”?!

Look, I don’t want a galactic war, but I loaded new photon torpedoes last week and we might as well use them. Guess it’s back to the Star Wars simulations on the holodeck. At least those are exciting.


Grant Mulitz is a comedy writer and software dork who will watch anything with the word "star" in the title. Disney knows this and exploits it regularly. He can be followed at:






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