Ensign's Log: You Can’t Spell “Wesley Crusher” Without “Wesley Crush”

 by Grant Mulitz

Grant Mulitz

Star Date 42868.8

We are approaching Klavdia 3 on a diplomatic mission to transport the future leader of Daled 4 to… Daled 4. Wait, why was she on Klavdia 3? That’s, like, a toxic, gaseous planet with a hostile environment and an electromagnetically impregnable troposphere. Was she on vacation? The fuck kind of entitled planetary head of state visits Klavdia 3, and then gets Star Fleet to be her damn chauffeur?

Oh wait, the memo says she was exiled. Shit.

La Forge is having me make adjustments on the deuterium control conduit. That’s a pretty full plate, but it’s no problem. Not like I have anywhere to be, or anyone to be with for that matter. Just a lone wolf, engineering conduits. And I like it that way. What am I even talking about anymore, this is my log, not my diary!

Ensign’s Log Supplemental:

Oh. My. God. So that leader from Daled 4 we picked up? Well her name is Salia and Wesley Crusher is sooooo tooootally into her. It’s so obvious, everyone knows.

Okay fine. So Wesley likes a girl. Good for him. It’s good to have dreams. But like come on, if I can’t get a girlfriend on the Enterprise, what hope does Wesley really have? His mom works here for god’s sake. How embarrassing!

I overheard him asking Commander Riker for dating advice in Ten Forward. And actually, the Commander’s advice was… bad. He said to tell girls all this mushy-gushy romantic stuff that really makes you sound crazy and obsessed. Wesley’s only talked to this girl once, and now he’s supposed to tell her she’s the most beautiful girl in the galaxy and he wants to be with her forever? Geez, come on strong much? That’s just creepy. You’d think that we’d be able to stop treating women like mere objects of our affection and talk to them like normal people by the twenty-third century.

Ensign’s Log Supplemental Supplemental:

I can’t believe that twerp actually got a date with the Daledian princess. What I CAN believe is that he screwed it all up. He got too attached, and it weirded her out. O’Brien told me Wesley actually said “I love you” to her in the transporter room! After only like ten hours! That is not a healthy way to start a relationship... and a pretty terrible way to end one too.

All in all, though, I do feel for the little brat. This might be his first relationship. He’s got all these feelings that he doesn’t know what to do with, and he thinks it’s love. He thinks about her, dreams about her. It’s innocent. And she seemed like a sweet enough person. They would have been good together.

Ensign’s Log Supplemental Supplemental Supplemental:



Grant Mulitz is a comedy writer and software dork who will watch anything with the word "star" in the title. Disney knows this and exploits it regularly. He can be followed at:




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