Horrorscopea for November 2017
Aquarius – January 20th through February 18th
The way your skin crawls in the dead of night will take a turn for the worse this month when it begins to crawl across the ceiling. Keep your manganese intake high by eating your favorite fruits and mangas.
Pisces – February 19th through March 20th
The lidless white eye that floats through the eternal silent void of space is lookin’ at you, kid. To honor its presence and keep yourself alive to see another day, don’t blink this month.
Aries – March 21st through April 19th
Run. RUN. NOW. GO. YOU DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME.
Taurus – April 20th through May 20th
Never forget last week, when you awoke to find yourself in an unfamiliar place surrounded by blurry humanoid shapes. You need to drink less and find your glasses, Jesus Christ, this happens every weekend. Get your life together.
Gemini – May 21st through June 20th
This is your month to shine! Ask for that big promotion at work! Say “yes” more often! Live the life YOU want to live, since it’ll be ending very, very soon and very, very violently.
Cancer – June 21st through July 22nd
You have nothing to fear except Fear Itself, which is the name of the faceless old woman who watches you sleep every night. She’ll be taking a brief vacation later this month, so that’s the time to catch some quality Z’s. Stock up what you can; she doesn’t get much PTO.
Leo – July 23rd through August 22nd
Do you think God has feet?
Virgo – August 23rd through September 22nd
With winter setting in, now is the best time to plan some self-care staycations. Make some hot cocoa, curl up by the fire, and crack open that sacrificial skull you’ve been meaning to consume.
Libra – September 23rd through October 22nd
Sure, that breakup was pretty rough, but there are plenty of other fish in the sea, as well as ancient, eldritch evils with a thousand thousand eyes and a thousand thousand mouths. With that many mouths, you know at least one will be good at kissing!
Scorpio – October 23rd through November 21st
You should get that mole checked out. It’s gaining sentience.
Sagittarius – November 22nd through December 21st
You’ve lately been feeling like you’re being followed. Rest assured; you have nothing to fear. We’re all being followed; you just happened to notice your Handler. They will take care of it shortly. It will hurt, but you won’t remember.
Capricorn – December 22nd through January 19th
Avoid yams, and they’ll avoid you.