Horrorscopea for December 2017
Aquarius – January 20th through February 18th
Regret signing up to host the extended family this holiday season? Tough tits; learning to follow through on your promises will help you grow as a person. Plus, you need fresh bodies to secure Krampus’ protection during the Yuletide purge.
Pisces – February 19th through March 20th
Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring-ting-tingaling too? The elves have made it past the turrets on the East wall and the alarms are sounding. Core breach is imminent; prepare for battle.
Aries – March 21st through April 19th
Pip pip cheerio! Be a little British this December and celebrate Boxing Day! Ideally by beating the absolute piss out of a loved one, but a stranger will do in a pinch.
Taurus – April 20th through May 20th
Ever the headstrong bull, your festivities will take a turn for the nasty when you get into a violent argument at your holiday work party. Take care to watch that temper and make sure any arterial bleeds are staunched immediately.
Gemini – May 21st through June 20th
With 2017 coming to an end, keep in mind the new year is a time for new beginning and new directions. Or nude erections. The fates weren’t super clear on which.
Cancer – June 21st through July 22nd
Avoid yams, and they’ll avoid you.
Leo – July 23rd through August 22nd
Spoilers! You’ll be getting that Red Ryder BB rifle for Christmas, but be careful not to shoot your eye out! Practice aiming with old tin cans and until you can safely shoot someone else’s eye out.
Virgo – August 23rd through September 22nd
If Tim Allen’s “The Santa Clause” taught us anything, it’s that if you kill someone, you get their job. So take initiative and murder your boss today!
Libra – September 23rd through October 22nd
Whoever put that elf on the shelf is a real card, especially because you live alone.
Scorpio – October 23rd through November 21st
Your dreams of a white Christmas will come true this December when you wake up fully blinded by the milky cataracts that have been developing ever since Thanksgiving, when you went to your uncle’s house and made eye contact with the terrifying portrait he keeps locked in his attic.
Sagittarius – November 22nd through December 21st
If the holiday season is breaking the bank, always remember that homemade gifts are treasured far more than store-bought crap. Show them you care by making candles with the tallow of their ex-lovers. Sever your own finger and wrap it in brown paper and twine for a rustic vibe!
Capricorn – December 22nd through January 19th
Holiday travel is hell, but don’t let the stress get to you. You will have a vision before your flight next weekend; the plane will explode while you watch safely from the ground. However, be warned. Death, much like ol’ St. Nick, is inescapable, omniscient, and bloodthirsty.