Horrorsopea for January 2018
Aquarius – January 20th through February 18th
New year means new beginnings. Shed your old grudges like you shed your exoskeleton – abruptly, violently, and with no living witnesses.
Pisces – February 19th through March 20th
If you’re stuck in the wintertime doldrums, try picking up a new hobby. Learn a second language, or get into needlepoint. Stay away from outdoor sports, as it’s dang chilly out there, and because too much exercise makes the meat all stringy.
Aries – March 21st through April 19th
Stop stressing about your inner demons – or any demons, for that matter. The denizens of the underworld are doing okay right now, so relax! All’s well that tends hell.
Taurus – April 20th through May 20th
Avoid yams, and they’ll avoid you.
Gemini – May 21st through June 20th
If the holiday season bled your bank account dry, don’t fret! There are plenty of ways to make quick cash. Check out Taskrabbit. Drive for a Lyft. Sell a kidney. Hell, sell several; no one said they have to be yours.
Cancer – June 21st through July 22nd
Feeling bad about your holiday indulgences? Keep perspective – a little splurge here and there is okay. We’re all just bags of gore in earthtone sacks, slaves to our biological imperatives to feed, fuck, and fight, until our carbon grows too frail to support its own hedonism, at which point we no longer have use to our species and we sink into the loam to become a meal for maggots. So go on, have a second plate of Christmas leftovers!
Leo – July 23rd through August 22nd
You will have a misfortune at the end of the month and, boy, will mister fortune be PISSED when he finds out.
Virgo – August 23rd through September 22nd
On the 14th, you will meet the old gypsy woman that the slightly older gypsy woman warned you about. Dress accordingly.
Libra – September 23rd through October 22nd
May auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind. May they forget you as well, lest you awake one night to a gaunt figure standing at the foot of your bed, gnarled hands outstretched, their piercing, shrieking voice asking if you still have that copy of Groundhog’s Day they lent you.
Scorpio – October 23rd through November 21st
This month, you will embark on a journey. Don’t be surprised when it lasts longer than you expected – primarily because the airplane you’re on will enter a time rift, resulting in you and your travel companions getting out of sync with the rest of this plane of existence, thereby witnessing monstrous creatures feeding on the world around you. Don’t forget to bring water, since air travel can be awfully dehydrating.
Sagittarius – November 22nd through December 21st
You’re destined to die alone, no two ways about it. Sorry, but it’s in the stars. Nothing personal, Brian.
Capricorn – December 22nd through January 19th
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by all your commitments, practice saying “no” more often! Also, practice saying “ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn” to save yourself the headache of provoking the Old Gods’ wrath due to mispronunciations.