Horrorscopea for February 2018
Aquarius – January 20th through February 18th
You’re lucky in love this month, with a secret admirer confessing their love for you around the 23rd. At least, I’m assuming that’s what that means when you find a sheep heart nailed to your front door.
Pisces – February 19th through March 20th
Avoid yams, and they’ll avoid you.
Aries – March 21st through April 19th
Sure, it’s cute when you and your partner can finish each other’s sentences, but take it one step further this month and surprise them with a trip to the surgeon to get the language centers of your brains swapped. Plus, then you’ll ALWAYS be on their mind!
Taurus – April 20th through May 20th
Take control of your own life! Take a risk, throw caution to the wind, and go do what this month is famous for. That’s right: massacres.
Gemini – May 21st through June 20th
Heart aching from unrequited love? Don’t fret! The fates have a surefire plan for you: be yourself! That, and feed them just enough tetrodotoxin to induce a fugue state, making them functionally zombified and entirely under your control. Now you have a faithful servant to do you bidding, which is like ten times cooler than having a boyfriend.
Cancer – June 21st through July 22nd
Love is in the air. Soak a bandana in cider vinegar to create a makeshift gasmask to keep it from getting into your airways. Stay inside and seal windows and doors to decrease risk of contamination.
Leo – July 23rd through August 22nd
Being single got you down? Remember the first rule of dating: before you love someone else, you first must learn to love yourself. If this means masturbating on public transit, that’s okay – it’s what the stars prescribed.
Virgo – August 23rd through September 22nd
Your relationship has been rough lately, so plan to go all out for Valentine’s Day. Remember, the best gifts are not things, but experiences. Why buy her chocolates, when you can buy her a trip to Columbia to learn firsthand about coca processing. Encourage her to bring home souvenirs, because cocaine is definitely an experience, not a thing.
Libra – September 23rd through October 22nd
If you find a spooky dark-eyed man standing on your lawn at dawn, do not be afraid. It’s just John Cusack. Give him a pen and he will go away.
Scorpio – October 23rd through November 21st
Enough talk of love, amirite? You don’t need anyone but yourself. You are strong, you are independent, and you deserve to do nice things for you. Date yourself, you know? Better yet, carbon date yourself. Find out just how prehistoric the demon inhabiting your fleshy shell truly is.
Sagittarius – November 22nd through December 21st
L is for the way you look at me. O is for the only one I see. V is very, very terrified because I can only see you what the fuck face blindness is this what did you do to me, E you are my everlasting god I serve only thee until the inevitable heat death of the universe.
Capricorn – December 22nd through January 19th
Valentine’s Day is for squares. Get a jumpstart on the much cooler St. Patrick’s Day and instead work on driving the snakes out of the Ireland of your own heart. Dump toxic people is what I’m saying, I guess.
Listen, my deadline for these horoscopes is in 20 minutes I am doing my best.