Horrorscopea for March 2018
Aquarius – January 20th through February 18th
This month, you will be reminded that time marches ever onward. Specifically, because you’re getting evicted on the 23rd after your landlord passes away and his granddaughter decides she wants to convert your onetime home into a workspace co-op for tech startups. Told you it was specific.
Pisces – February 19th through March 20th
Your nostalgia will kick in when you hear March Into the Sea at a cash-only coffee bar in Berkeley. You will go home and listen to the rest of We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank, and you’ll pine for when Modest Mouse was good, at which point you will reflect on the string of events that lead you to this situation, and you will be plunged into existential ennui as it dawns on you that you have become the very thing that you hate.
Aries – March 21st through April 19th
You’ll be seeing red at the end of this month when someone calls you madder than a March hare, which will piss you off because it’s a snooty literary reference, and, Jesus, we fucking get that you read Through the Looking Glass, Jason. Oh my god now he’s talking about Infinite Jest. This party sucks.
Taurus – April 20th through May 20th
Does the term ”the Ides of March” mean anything to you? No? Okay, cool. Nothing bad is going to happen to you on March 15th. Just go about your day like you normally would, and everything is going to be entirely fine.
Gemini – May 21st through June 20th
Get high and watch March of the Penguins. You’ll thank me later.
Cancer – June 21st through July 22nd
Cut loose and dance like no one’s watching. Think not of the words of Albert Einstein, that “he who joyfully marches to music has already earned my contempt,” because holy shit was that dude not much fun at parties. You don’t need that negativity harshing your chill, my man.
Leo – July 23rd through August 22nd
If you’ve been feeling like you’re in a slump, try branching out and making yourself a more multifaceted, diverse person! In the wisdomatic words of Tim Robbins, “I was a sports fan, but I also went to peace marches.” Take his advice to heart; that man survived Shawshank, after all.
Virgo – August 23rd through September 22nd
Yo, "Bataan Death Eater March" would be a great name for a band. You’re welcome.
Libra – September 23rd through October 22nd
Napoleon famously said that an army marches on its stomach. Keep that in mind for the St. Patty’s Day 5k you were planning on running. Get plenty of sleep, fuel up accordingly, and plan to donkey kick your competitors right through their abdomen - who said you couldn’t march on someone else’s stomach?
Scorpio – October 23rd through November 21st
Avoid marching, and it’ll avoid you.
Sagittarius – November 22nd through December 21st
Your attempt at altruism will go awry due to a spelling error when you submitted your request to hold a March of Dimes at your kid’s middle school. Instead, a bunch of dames will show up in fishnets, sensible pumps, and smoking unfiltered cigarettes in long bakelite holders.
Capricorn – December 22nd through January 19th
Hope you’re ready for March madness! Not the dumbshit sports stuff, but the real deal after you stared into the void and the void eventually stared back, deluging your feeble brain with infraviolet, ultrared, and enough non-Euclidean geometry to drown a bear.