Horrorscopea for April 2018

Aquarius – January 20th through February 18th

April showers bring May flowers, but also remember that April hams bring May yams. Cool it on the yams, and they’ll cool it on you.

 

 

Pisces – February 19th through March 20th

April showers bring May flowers, but also remember that April meat sweats bring May regrets. Cool it on the breakfast cheesesteaks, bud.

 

 

Aries – March 21st through April 19th

April showers bring May flowers, but also remember that April night terrors bring May accounting errors. Cool it on the inescapable nocturnal horrors, bud.

 

 

Taurus – April 20th through May 20th

April showers bring May flowers, but also remember that April pipe dreams bring May crime scenes. Cool it on the PCP, bud.

 

 

Gemini – May 21st through June 20th

April showers bring May flowers, but also remember that April euthanasia brings May rosacea. Cool it on the mercy killings, bud.

 

 

Cancer – June 21st through July 22nd

April showers bring May flowers, but also remember that April kimchee brings May Stan Lee. Cool it on the fermented napa cabbage, bud.

 

 

Leo – July 23rd through August 22nd

April showers bring May flowers, but also remember that April real eyes realize May real lies. Cool it on the Illuminati agenda, bud.

 

 

Virgo – August 23rd through September 22nd

April showers bring May flowers, but also remember that April vas deferens bring May seventh heavens. Cool it on the duct that conveys sperm from the testicle to the urethra, bud.

 

 

Libra – September 23rd through October 22nd

April showers bring May flowers, but also remember that April xanax brings May panic attacks. Cool it on the partying, Lil Uzi Vert.

 

 

Scorpio – October 23rd through November 21st

April showers bring May flowers, but also remember that April signs of a stroke bring May missing colony of Roanoke. Cool it on the smell of toast, bud.

 

 

Sagittarius – November 22nd through December 21st

April showers bring May flowers, but also remember that April bots bring May thots. Cool it on accepting FB friend requests from curvaceous women with names like “June Vivian,” bud.

 

 

Capricorn – December 22nd through January 19th

April showers bring May flowers, but also remember that April set mule shant belt meal steams bring May jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.

 

Timothy Pizza