Horrorscopea for May 2018
Aquarius – January 20th through February 18th
Avoid yams, and they’ll avoid you.
Pisces – February 19th through March 20th
This month, spending time with loved ones will feel like the ultimate getaway. To make sure you’re making the most of your time, be sure to prep appropriately by burning off your fingerprints and having a bug-out bag with necessities such as a couple of false passports, temporary hair dye, and $1000 each in nonsequential American dollars, Euros, and Yen.
Aries – March 21st through April 19th
Remember that holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else - you get off on the pain, don’t you? You sick fuck.
Taurus – April 20th through May 20th
If your finances have been a dumpster fire lately, the fates suggest you stop igniting your money in a trash can. What sort of long-term investment is that? Try a Roth IRA or gold bars under your bed or literally anything except that.
Gemini – May 21st through June 20th
Check your wallet. Look at your I.D. It’s about to expire. You’re going to need to get that updated before you fly to Vancouver next month, but you don’t really have the time to wait around at the DMV. Well, you’re going to have to make time, buddy. Either that or bring your passport, but you just moved and honestly you have no idea where you even packed it. Susan was right, you should’ve packed an “Important Documents” box. Susan is always right, but she’s so fucking condescending about it that it’s hard to listen to what she has to say. This is only going to be accurate for, like, one person, but holy shit is that person going to be creeped out, right?
Cancer – June 21st through July 22nd
Only the good die young, which means if you’re reading this and you’re past 40, it is your right and your duty to become a super villain. Jump on that, before all the good villainous lair property is gone, and you end up having to base your evil headquarters out of Green Bay or some shit.
Leo – July 23rd through August 22nd
You know what they say. Don’t act like you don’t know what they say. We have video surveillance of you talking to them. You KNOW what they say. Oh, you’re going to play coy? Well, you go right ahead and do that. I don’t have a problem with that. Now my partner here, he’s got a bit of what you might call an anger issue. You really want to play this game? TELL ME WHAT THEY SAY OR YOU’RE GOING TO BE IN A WORLD OF HURT, BUCKO.
Virgo – August 23rd through September 22nd
Actions speak louder than words, which is why you should plan to make this month’s poetry slam into a poetry SLAM.
Libra – September 23rd through October 22nd
Remember that you can’t judge a book by it’s cover, but if you own a tanning rack and a vendetta against the legal system that wronged you, you CAN cover a book with a judge.
Scorpio – October 23rd through November 21st
Have family in town? If you’re getting stressed by your parents, just remember that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Take them to an orchard and throw apples at them, is what I’m saying. You’ll have cover from return fire due to the aforementioned tree. It’s basic military tactics.
Sagittarius – November 22nd through December 21st
You’re due for a windfall at the end of the month. You’re going to perish when you fall from a bridge. I guess “a windy fall” would be a better way of phrasing that. Oh man, did I get your hopes up? Yikes. Maybe stop reading after the first sentence and die peacefully? Guess it’s a little late….well this is awkward. Sorry.
Capricorn – December 22nd through January 19th
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. It will hollow you out and live in the warm cavity where your lungs used to be, gestating, controlling your body like an ambulatory meat incubator, until the time that it reaches the larval pubescence stage and claws its way out through your throat. But since your soul will be long gone by then, I think that sort of counts as stronger, you know? Silver lining.