Horrorscopea for July 2018
Aquarius – January 20th through February 18th
If you’re tired of feeling like you’re screaming into the void, try drinking some warm water with honey and lemon. It’ll get your voice back up and running in no time.
Pisces – February 19th through March 20th
Avoid yams, and they’ll avoid you.
Aries – March 21st through April 19th
The stars are smiling upon you this month. Grinning, really. Honestly, it may be more of a manic snarl. Okay that’s actually pretty creepy. They’re not blinking. And...I think there’s blood coming out of that one’s eyes? This isn’t good. This isn’t good at all.
Taurus – April 20th through May 20th
You’re in for an adventurous day early in the month! You’ll wake up to find that your loved ones have no memory of you. Your credit cards will be declined, your workplace will have no record of your employment. You’ll slowly slip into insanity until the clock strikes midnight, at which point everything will return to normal. But what is normal anymore? Is this the universe you truly know? Be sure to pack extra socks!
Gemini – May 21st through June 20th
Summertime is here, and you know what that means! It’s beachcomber season! Bring your metal detector to the beach towards the end of this month for a glittery surprise! Also, bring pliers, because you can totally nab a few gold fillings from sleeping beachgoers.
Cancer – June 21st through July 22nd
In the words of the great Childish Gambino, you’re going to do your name like Princess Di when you notice an irregular mole towards the end of this month. Let this be a warning to the rest of you: wear sunscreen. The stars wanted me to tell you that. Which is weird, since they’re also the ones responsible for this problem, but I’m not about to get mouthy with fate.
Leo – July 23rd through August 22nd
You gotta stop being indecisive! In these hazy summer days, it’s easy to get lazy, but you’re wasting time flip-flopping on a decision that isn’t worth all the stress. Try writing out a pro and con list for each side, and then toss it out and sacrifice whichever child Baphomet requires.
Virgo – August 23rd through September 22nd
This is going to be a relatively quiet month for you. The solstice hunt was good, the slaughtered lamb was fat, and the gods are appeased for now. Might I suggest a vacation? You’ll never be free of the watchdul eyes of His Most Unholiness, but you might as well get a tan while you’re under his constant degrading scrutiny!
Libra – September 23rd through October 22nd
Summertime means sun’s out, guns out. It does NOT mean heat’s out, meat’s out. Make sure you keep your kills fresh. Pack them in ice prior to offering them up on the obsidian altar; He’s the lord of the dead, not the lord of the flies!
Scorpio – October 23rd through November 21st
Your future mortician was born this morning. Anyway, have a nice summer!
Sagittarius – November 22nd through December 21st
Hazy summer nights mean the sun’s out even later than usual, so plan your night time atrocities accordingly! Try making a to-do list so you’re not halfway through making a summoning circle when you hear that first cock crow at the morning sun!
Capricorn – December 22nd through January 19th
Honestly, the fates didn’t really have much for you, so I’m going to take this as an opportunity to let you know that cargo jorts are not back in. They were never in. Please do not do that to your loved ones.