Horrorscopea for August 2018
Aquarius – January 20th through February 18th
If you’ve been looking for a new line of work, consider going out on the town. You will receive a surprise job offer from a friend of a friend at a social engagement. In the spirit of saying yes to life more, take them up on the offer. One thousand dollars to deliver a package to a GPC coordination in the middle of the forest is a pretty sweet deal, especially since they’re footing the bill for the rental car to get you there. A word to the wise: if and when the package starts speaking, don’t answer any of it’s questions. Not even the riddles.
Pisces – February 19th through March 20th
Emotions are running amok in the various odd groups that you’re affiliated with, which is weird, because everyone is more or less fine in the various even groups you’re affiliated with. Stay away from anyone named Derek. Just, like, in general. Dereks are up to no good.
Aries – March 21st through April 19th
Today, you will receive an affectionate, supportive visit from someone close to you. They will come into your home unannounced and insist on calling you by your full name. They will say kind platitudes in a soothing register. And after they leave, it will slowly dawn on you that they never once blinked or breathed.
Taurus – April 20th through May 20th
Your financial affairs are looking good right now, Taurus. You’re due for a financial windfall towards the end of the month, so plan ahead. Plan that cruise, put a downpayment on that new car. Prepare for the joy of unexpected wealth, and it will cushion the blow of bereavement when you find out the money is from the settlement from your spouse getting crushed by a faulty Costco forklift that the company knew was malfunctioning, but chalked up any damages it incurred as “acceptable losses”.
Gemini – May 21st through June 20th
You’re looking absolutely radiant these days. Is that the phrase you use when someone has radiation poisoning? No, sorry, let’s try that again. You’re looking absolutely irradiated these days.
Cancer – June 21st through July 22nd
Your interests in the arts are waxing this month, Cancer, so take advantage of that. Go to an art museum and soak in the works of the greats. You may feel yourself especially drawn to the works of the pastoralists, such as Thomas Cole. You’ll feel especially enamored with his painting of The Oxbow, as it feels as though the eyes are watching you as you move across the room. Which is a little unorthodox for a landscape painting, but that’s art for you.
Leo – July 23rd through August 22nd
Avoid yams, and they’ll avoid you.
Virgo – August 23rd through September 22nd
Your spotty memory is going to come back to bite you this month, as you will forget an important engagement that will make a lasting dent on an already tenuous relationship. Try to get better at remembering the little things. Make to-do lists, or play memory games. Close your eyes and try to remember how many pairs of shoes you own. How is your closet organized? What was the phone number of your best friend in elementary school? Have you always felt a cold hand on the back of your neck?
Libra – September 23rd through October 22nd
Sometimes, it’s not about the activity that you’re doing, but the people you’re doing it with. Connect with the people near and dear to you and find strength in their shared resources, but be sure to match blood types to avoid transplant rejection.
Scorpio – October 23rd through November 21st
You could learn a tough lesson this month, Scorpio. More than likely, the harder the message hits you, the more important it was for you to hear. It could be that the one who kicks you when you're down will also be the one who helps you get up. There are strange twists to this month that you may not expect. You’re going to get mugged by evangelical ladder salesmen contortionists. Do I literally have to spell that out for you?
Sagittarius – November 22nd through December 21st
As summer wraps up, you’re feeling a little lonely this month. And that’s okay; a lot of people feel that way as autumn takes ahold. Just remember that as long as you walk in Gnshal’s wake, you will never walk alone. The light of his eldritch bioluminescence will guide your way, into his gaping maw of a thousand thousand tongues and a million thousand teeth.
Capricorn – December 22nd through January 19th
Don’t get cocky. Remember that one wrong move this month could cause you to have a headache for a good long while, Capricorn. Don't take uncalculated risks. The old gods have very long memories and even longer talons, and will not hesitate to employ both to punish you for your hubris.