Happy π Day

As many of you know, math can be a very difficult subject for a great number of people. Yet it doesn’t need to be. Mad Math is a monthly article which will help you with all the mathematical problems you may encounter.

This month we’ll be discussing the importance of π.

So it’s Pi Day again, and you’re all alone with no pie or knowledge of π due to your lack of friends and a mathematical supermind. Don’t worry, most other beings of your inferior caliber are suffering the same sad fate as you. As a superior and experienced supermind, I have some tips on how yo utilize π to evenly divide your nonexistent pie between nobody.

We also have some easy tricks to show you using the simple Tesseractian Constant, or TC for short! What’s that, you may ask? Well don’t. Nobody truly knows. It’s a sort of numerical constant from an alternate dimension that gives you prophetic visions of the future.

Let’s say your imaginary pie has a radius of “i” and you need to divide it between your four imaginary friends and yourself.

WELL FUNNY ENOUGH you don’t need π for this pie problem. You just divide 360° by 5 to get 72°. Then just grab your protractor and divide your lack of pie amongst your friends. Not a lot of people realize you don’t actually need to use π to divide a pie between your “friends”. 

In case you were curious about the practical applications of π, here are some actual formulas for your pathetic mind to ruminate on. However, I want to do some real work with pie, π, and the TC.

Step 1: Get an empty plate.


Step 2: Just burn the TC in the middle somewhere! Remember, use your TC cattle iron!


Step 3: Chant

Chant about how you deserve friends who fear you and you are the greatest baker for around 13 seconds. One that works for me personally is chanting a something like “I MAKE THE BEST PIES, PEOPLE FEAR MY PIES!” The goal is to remind yourself that you are and can be the master of anything that crosses your path. The key is finding the megalomaniacal mantra that works for you.

Step 4: Prophet (Get it?)

Now just let the visions take you and feel the deep euphoria of the TC. When you wake up, you’ll find all the friends you’ll need inside your freshly made pie!


Happy Pi Day!

DISCLAIMER: Don’t engage in this simple trick if are not yet cannibalistic! Your pie is obviously made of human flesh.


Remember; the damage you do is permanent. 


I hope you enjoyed this month’s Mad Math! Happy Solving!

Forever Watching,


Madmatician grew up under the constant watch of the Tesseract. He was blessed with powers beyond the average human such as a superhuman mind, no need for human emotion, and a taste for human flesh. He lives happily in his lair with his cerberus, Cornelias, and a larger than average oven.

Jacob Duffy Halbleib