Actuarial Sciences

 

As many of you know, math can be a very difficult subject for a great number of people. Yet it doesn’t need to be. Mad Math is a monthly article which will help you with all the mathematical problems you may encounter.

This month we’ll be discussing actuarial sciences.

 

You may ask, “What is actuarial sciences?” Well, idiot, it should be "What are," otherwise you make the subject singular as “science.” To answer your poorly crafted question, actuarial science is a field in which one applies mathematical and statistical practices against real and simulated scenarios to assess risk.

 

Thus let us take these three different possibilities of risk within opportunities:

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And we’re going to skip ahead and give you the easiest way to the solution. That’s what your lazy self came for isn’t it, you worthless, impatient cur?

 

The Tesseractian Constant is your friend, so we can call it TC for short! What’s the TC, you may ask? Well calm down, I’m still talking. It’s a wondrous and venerable numerical constant from an alternate dimension that gives you prophetic visions of the future and further powers unknown.

 

Step 1: Subtly add the TC to your spreadsheet.

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Step 2: Let some of your blood onto the keyboard.

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Step 3: Chant

Chant about how you will know the true risk of life for around 13 seconds. I personally use “I know the risk, I reject the risk, give me the truth.” The key is accepting that your pathetic mind knows nothing and open your psyche to influence from the TC.

 

Step 4: Prophet (Get it?)

Now just let the visions take you and feel the deep euphoria of the TC. When you wake up, you’ll find your keyboard broken and on fire, but your spreadsheet completed.

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By the time you connect a new keyboard, you’ll come to the realization that you must accept no risks and rid yourself of all these dangers. Lucky you, you’ve already quit your job, stopped eating, and killed all your loved ones to encase yourself in a cocoon of emotional and physical safety.

DISCLAIMER: Don’t engage in this simple trick if you “like” your “friends".

Remember the damage you do is permanent. I hope you enjoyed this month’s Mad Math! Happy Solving!

Weigh your options,

-Madmatician

Madmatician grew up under the constant watch of the Tesseract. He was blessed with powers beyond the average human such as a superhuman mind, no need for human emotion, and an understanding that all effort is useless. He lives happily in his lair with his cerberus, Cornelias, and an overwhelming sense of self-preservation as proven by his many clones.

 
Jacob Duffy Halbleib