Hail and Quail


The Bare-Exoskeleton Contessa

Thomas Bridgman
Follow on Twitter and Instagram


HAIL AND QUAIL, my loyal and/or compulsory readers!!! I can’t believe it’s only been 100 Galactic Centuries since my dear sister/parasitic-conjoined burden, Rebecxa 7, swore eternal subjugation to her powerful husband/tormentor, The Great Unholy One, Lord Kurthex-Crimson IV!!!

I thought I’d reminisce by sharing the marvelous (and for some... final) menu I conjured as an offering to the cute couple and their esteemed guests.....(I hear some external stomach-sacks™ churning).....well c’mon!....food’s waiting!

My primary concept for the nuptial nibbles was...” Agony....endless agony!”. Today, I rejoice: “Oh Jellybeans... am I glad I trusted my fetid gut!!!” This morbidly morose concept played well with the groom, and clearly raised my standing with the ancient one! (evidence: the insistence of his paralyzing bejeweled erection during the entire 1,400 lunar phase feast!)

Let’s all check out my splendid “carte du jour”.....Aperitivo: Detached, sentient, and lidless Thranian eyeballs (Seriously, if you’ve never been to


Antipasto: Pulverized plutonic vapor, tainted by corporeal screams of suffering. (Warning: this one’s not for amateurs. More than 1,000 guests perished upon service of this bad boy. Boohoo...jk!)

Primo: Lugubrious Lasagna (A classic and a favorite of mine. Sheets of wide, toothsome “infant-bone flour” pasta noodles stacked between molten rivers of bloody maternal tear-seasoned béchamel with fennel pollen Tribble Sausage...yummy!)

Secondo: Ewok Zampone (Hand/tentacle-stuffed, by me, inside a natural casing of 10,000 human trotters, or “People-Pettitoes”....boy do I love my sister! Adapted from the brilliant Kanamit culinary must-have, “To Serve Man”)

Contorno: Lightly Blanched Avern Stamen (Caustic genitals of the delicious yet deadly flower wielded by Urthian fools in duel rituals beneath the dying sun....this one is a show/heart stopper!!!)

Insalata: Flora In Entirety of The Once Proud Planet Caladan. (No effort was extended to prevent planetary genocide due to starvation...oh, I’M BAD!)

Formaggi I Frutti: Péche Preserves and Force Harvested Lactum de Tatooine Hutts. (Not one of the nearly 900 fiercely proud warlords survived the indignity of harvest...I’m a little stinker!!!)

Dolci: Sweetmeats Baklava (Go with what you know!)

Caffe: Amphetamine Laced Sewage. Sourced from my own wretched commodious cisterns! (A little personal touch always a special occasion even “special-er”!)

Digestive: Blood butters infused with Gelfling essence (Divine decadence...and A BIG HIT with the guests of Skeksis extraction! BOO-YAH!!!)

Now, I know what you’re all thinking...”why wasn’t I invited?!?” LOL you’re in luck my faithful readers, the time draws near to either wed or execute Moosh-Valorp III (the amorphous parasitic tumor growing from my 3rd left haunch). And considering none of our previous lucky guests survived the last feast....well....see ya soon I hope! TTFN!


The Bare-Exoskeleton Contessa
Thomas Bridgman
Follow on Twitter and Instagram