Greedo Shoots 'em Down

 
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Yesterday afternoon Greedo, the recently appointed Chairman of the Free Commuter’s Council, proposed to end Jet Neutrality. As we all know, Jet Neutrality is the concept that all commuters public and private will have equal access to independent and company-owned destinations regardless of your ISP, independent speeder provider. This means the ISPs cannot charge for each road you take and only charge you for your rented speeder's quality. This is the injustice Greedo seeks to fix by allowing speeder companies to make deals with destinations and allow easier access to select roads at the ISP’s discretion. This proposal aims to increase Hutt Capitalistic Opportunities by allowing ISPs to have more freedom of the speeder-road packages they can offer.

Earlier today a local commuter publicly slandered Greedo by saying “What about the moisture farmers? Individual road taxes will either run us dry or make our routes inefficient! We would be using the roads at a loss either way! You’re being paid off, aren’t you?! You greedy nerf-herder!” At this point, anonymous sources say, the commuter pulled a blaster on Greedo, but as we all know Greedo is the fastest slinger on all of Tatooine!

After shooting down other such similar rebellious outcries, the following galactic heroes stepped forward to announce their support of Greedo.

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Darth Vader

“Only the foolish would refuse him this power.”
When I asked Lord Vader if this plan was a threat to the lower class he proceeded to choke me while monologuing. I must say I’m much happier after he laid out the details of how Jet Neutrality and freedom actually hinder forward process in deprived places such as Tatooine.

photo by @Todd_Spence

photo by @Todd_Spence

Jabba the Hutt

“Bas kah! Chessa neenjah kahn kee boong, Greedo!”
Well put my slimy friend!

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The Emperor

“Greedo is in no way under the control of any powers such as mine. In fact, Tatooine is independent largely thanks to the Hutt Family.”
Emperor Palpatine makes a good point, what ulterior motives would Greedo have. This sounds like a good move to protect companies, not forward his own pocket or Jabba the Hutt’s.

Other known supporters of Greedo’s proposal: Boba Fett, Grand Moff Tarkin, and Two Suns Speeders.

This article of the Mos Eisley Magtina was generously paid for by the Hutt Family Foundation for Free Speech.

by

J.D. Halbleib

 
Jacob Duffy Halbleib