Ending Jet Neutrality
Yesterday morning Chairman Greedo and the rest of the Free Commuter’s Council passed a vote to end Jet Neutrality 3-2 votes.
As we all know, Jet Neutrality is the concept that all commuters public and private will have equal access to independent and company-owned destinations regardless of your ISP, independent speeder provider. This means the ISPs cannot charge for each road you take and only charge you for your rented speeder's quality. This is the injustice the FCC has solved with their vote. Yet, despite Tatooine being an individual governing body and not a ruling body of the Empire as a whole, some misguided individuals are looking for respite within the Galactic Senate.
This sort of move is similar to running home to ask dad when your mom says “No.” It’s childish and should be looked down upon. The Hutt Capitalistic Opportunities under this newly passed motion are incalculable.
To combat this viewpoint Chairman Greedo released a hologram statement noting that everything you could do on the roads before, can still be done now but with more freedom.
Everything he said in the hologram is infallible and 100% fact-checked. He said so!
He even held blaster duels with dissenters in the hologram and won against each of them. As we know he’s one of the fastest slingers alive, but this makes him definitively correct in our trial-by-combat system. You’d have to make the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs to outshoot this blaster prodigy!
Surprisingly even after all this information was freely presented dissenters still reached out to the Galactic Senate for their misguided resistance. When reached for comment the Emperor said he was seriously considering dissolving the Senate, as it was “just getting in the way."
A handful of other influential Imperialists were reached for their comments on the situation.
Grand Admiral Thrawn
“People like this will be left in the in the dust, lucky for them it’s not much different than sand. … I thought that was good, look, you’re not a very funny writer either.”
Grand Moff Tarkin
“It’s my preference to just end this whole debacle in one swift stroke…”
“The foolishness of this insubordination makes me choke.”
This article of the Mos Eisley Magtina was generously paid for by the Hutt Family Foundation for Free Speech.